Procrastination, Panic, and the Perils of Online Learning

It all started with the best of intentions. At the beginning of 2024, I received the link to start revising for my CCAP qualification. A fresh year, a fresh goal, a fresh opportunity to prove to myself and the world that I am, in fact, a competent and capable professional. Fast forward several months, and that link has been gathering digital dust in my inbox, untouched, unloved, and entirely ignored.

Why? Because deep down, I knew what awaited me: the overwhelming fear of failure. A fear so potent that it has successfully kept me from even attempting to begin. It turns out that when your personality type is built on a foundation of anxiety and self-doubt, as confirmed by the pre-COVID strengths training we did at work, the mere thought of starting something that could end in failure is enough to make you freeze.

The Moment of Truth (and Bandwidth Issues)

Eventually, I mustered the courage to click the link. I told myself that today was the day. I was ready. I was going to do this. I logged in, clicked on the first module, and… buffering. More buffering. And then, three minutes into the first video, my internet decided that today was not, in fact, the day.

The crushing weight of failure is nothing compared to the slow, painful realization that you never even got started.

After half an hour of trying to load the video, I gave up. I stared at my screen, defeated. Was this a sign? Was the universe telling me that customer advocacy was not my true calling? Was I, perhaps, meant for something else-something simpler, something less reliant on stable Wi-Fi?

Alternative Career Paths: A Thought Experiment

With my CCAP dreams crumbling before my eyes, I did what any rational person would do: I considered quitting my job entirely. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for this profession. Maybe I was meant to do something completely different. I started brainstorming alternative careers.

Farmhand? Fresh air, physical labor, no need for an internet connection. Appealing.

Co-op cashier? A simpler life, steady hours, minimal existential dread. Tempting.

Hermit in the Lake District? No responsibilities, no deadlines, no CCAP revision. Perfect.

If I can’t load a three-minute video, how can I be expected to handle the complexities of customer advocacy?

For a brief moment, I genuinely considered packing it all in, setting up a tent in the wilderness, and living off the land. But then I remembered that I don’t actually know how to survive in the wild, and I quite like central heating.

The Mindset Shift (or Lack Thereof)

At this point, you might expect a triumphant turnaround-a moment of clarity where I realized that I just needed to believe in myself and push through. That’s not what happened.

Instead, I experienced a shift in mindset, but not the kind you’d find in a motivational self-help book. I went from an

I can do this

attitude to one of complete and utter apathy. I resigned myself to my fate. If I couldn’t even get past the first three minutes of a revision video, what hope did I have?

Maybe some people are just destined to fail. Maybe I was one of them.

So, What’s Next?

In a broad sense, the next chapter of this story looks bleak. Financial ruin? Possibly. Career change? Likely. A complete abandonment of all professional aspirations? TBD.

But, in a slightly more optimistic sense, maybe this is just a temporary setback. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. Maybe I’ll find a way to get past the buffering and actually start revising. Maybe I’ll even pass the CCAP qualification one day.

Or maybe I’ll just move to the Lake District and embrace my new life as a hermit. Either way, at least I’ll have a good story to tell.